The Beginning

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what’s going on with me. I have two children and I’m finally living in my own spot but there is still something missing from my life. That moment when you realize that you need a man but you don’t know if you can trust him when you find him. I spent so much time waiting for the ball to drop. For whatever man that came around to show me who he truly was, a liar, a cheat, someone that would hurt me or my children.

This is the part where I say sorry to every man that may come across this page. I know you're not that man (well you could be). But I’m prejudging. I don't know if you're that person. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know.

The best way to explain this would be to start at the beginning. Honestly it's all about choices. Where I begin is with a choice. I wasn’t making that choice because he was Mr. Wonderfull. I made that choice because he was Mr. Here Now.

Yes it's sad but thats the way it was. And he was a great guy in the beginning. He made me feel beautiful and I thought he loved my kids. (Zoom in on my stupid face). I went into that relationship with no expectations and no love. But I grew to love him in every way possible. It was once I loved him that he showed me his real self.

You can tell me I’m stupid so many times before I go crazy. I thought I was a real live fuck up. No lie. I had raised my children until I met him. I thought I was a horrible mother. I couldn’t clean right to save my life. I couldn’t do anything. I felt the heel of his boot every day.  Now looking at this you would think why didn’t I do anything. Why didn’t I leave. This isn’t even half of what I went through.

Then there's what he put my children through. You’d think they would tell me? We were all under the preconceived notion that the other was happy. They thought he was the love of my life so why tell me that he was being an asshole. I thought they had never had a father and were happy so how could I take that away from them. (Yes I martyred myself for my children; who else would do it?)

So when I finally left I wasn’t broken but I was damaged. My children still just looking for love from a male figure that doesn’t involve being belittled or physically abused and so am I. Now I’m in a state far away and wondering where I can find my Mr. Wright, and also wondering if I do find him will I let him stay.

So if and when he shows up... what then...

Sad part is I think I’ve found him a few times. But I’m still running. Maybe when I get tired of running and I’m laying by the side of the road holding my side from sprinting so far from the last man the real one will show up and pick my tired ass of the side of the road. It's just a thought but one I hope comes to pass soon because honestly I’m getting tired of running.

So if you know what Mr. Right looks like or sounds like. How can you tell the difference from Mr. Right and Mr. Full of Shit?

All opinions welcome.